Haruka: Survivor. Haruka thinks she is literally the toughest human who has ever lived, ever, but she forgets that you actually have to play nice with others and gets voted off the island in like two weeks because she’s going through sugar withdrawls and crying about missing her wife.
Mina: America’s Next Top Model. Offers to do nudes immediately, claiming that she believes in the artistic value of her ass, proclaims the entrie show a sham and a mockery when she doesn’t win.
Michiru: Assuming “You go on a reality show or Haruka dies”, she somehow talks her way into being the next Bachelorette, enjoys manipulating attractive men for several weeks, and then at the finale tells both of them to go the fuck home, she’s a lesbian.
Mako: Cupcake Wars. Unlike our beautiful blonde idiots up there, she actually wins her show with some unique flavor profiles: a vanilla orange basil cupcake, a chili strawberry chocolate cupcake, and a curry spice cake.
Rei: The Apprentice. Ends up gif’d a million times on tumblr for her incredible reaction faces, angry rants, and shoulderpad game. When Trump fires her, she takes a list out of her bag and starts reading off his bankruptcy claims as she’s dragged away by security.
Setsuna: Accidentally ends up being one of the girls on Flavor of Love. How this happened, no one’s sure, and she gets sent home by the producers when it’s clear all she wants to do is make friends with all the girls and bake them cookies
Ami: What Not To Wear, with all her terrible grandma clothing. Mina turned her in and Rei didn’t exactly object.
Hotaru: This one gave me a lot of trouble, but I ended up putting her on Fear, where she wins literally all the money because after being murdered and being the literal embodiment of destruction, some intern banging a can in the dark won’t phase her.
Chibiusa and Usagi probably end up on fucking Nanny 911 or something.
I love everyone so so much (Michiru is INSPIRED), but absolutely every word you said about Rei on The Apprentice is the greatest thing in the known universe. I feel legitimate pangs of regret that I will never get to witness this with my own eyeballs.
aries: made usagi give over her rightful turn in a game by sparkling really, REALLY hard
aquarius: straight up stole a baby
cancer: called her gf at 2am because she wants to go see the ocean, and no, it cannot stand to wait until morning
capricorn: wistfully sighed ‘it must be nice to be young’ at a group of girls one year younger than her
leo: has presumably made a regular habit of juggling a lemon while playing violin
pisces: challenged a goldfish for her girlfriend’s affections
libra: repeatedly used life-or-death situations as a platform for inappropriate sexual innuendo
virgo: bullied a girl to the brink of tears because she let her win at swimming
taurus: taunted her girlfriend with flowers she’d received from a male admirer, who was in fact ten years old
gemini: made a dramatic entrance to stop a villain indoors, got flustered and sincerely apologetic when villain pointed out she’d landed with her shoes on the table
scorpio: flat-out chose to bring about the apocalypse over letting her girlfriend get hurt and was not remotely sorry
sagittarius: turned to her gf with a look of genuine bafflement on her face and asked, ‘what is a fart’
amboato 